10 ways to bring harmony back into your couple

by Aida Calin

Turn fights into positive energy
One of the most frequent aspirations of the people I know is to love and to live in a harmonious, fulfilling couple relationship. However, we see all around us how, many times, this beautiful, legitimate aspiration of the soul does not get fulfilled and many relationships fail.
After many years of pleasant and not so pleasant experiences, I have come to the conclusion that we have fundamentally no reason to fight with the human being that we love and with whom we are in a couple relationship. If you accept the quarrels, accusations, reproaches, tensions and their expressions, threats, offences and insults, it is good to know that they ALWAYS affect a relationship in a negative and quite often IRREPARABLE way. Many people wonder why, after several years in a relationship, things are not as nice as they used to be. They are used to smaller or bigger fights that have left traces, even if they have been forgotten. Few people are capable of taking the negative energy emitted during fights and alchemizing it into positive energy that would propel the couple and help it become harmonious again, so that everything would be the way it was at the beginning.
What I have learnt in time is that, in a delicate moment, you have two paths in front of you. One of them takes you to the abyss of endless discussions and dissensions and the other one leads to the oasis of reconciliation and understanding. Which path you take is always up to you and each time you are the author of your own choices that have consequences proportional to those choices.

Look at things from another perspective
Most conflicts in a couple appear because the two people refuse to look at things from the other one's perspective. There are no two people in the world who could always agree on every aspect, no matter how much they feel they were made for each other. Anyway, it would be simply boring if they did. So, the divergences, dissensions, differences of opinions are normal and, if approached correctly, they can even be constructive. And here you choose either to take it personally and get mad or to assimilate the other one's opinion and expand the horizon of your own consciousness.
The people who are part of successful couples succeed in assimilating the other one's viewpoint and that is because of love. One of the requirements of a healthy relationship is to master the abilities needed for the "friendly resolution of conflicts" - approaching conflicts in a very respectful way and collaborating in order to find an effective solution TOGETHER. I say "together" because, many times, the so-called 'rescuers" appear and decide to save the couple by themselves. But the decisions regarding a couple are best made together.
The harmonious resolution of dissensions envolves working together for solving important divergences, communicating calmly (as much as possible :)) and keeping in mind that love is more important than an idea, opinion or situation (which is many times fleeting). This harmonious approach of conflicts allows us to remain united in our souls, even when we have our differences.
The couples that have mature, healthy relationships seem to understand intuitively the idea of harmonious conflict resolution. In most cases, the couples learn the art of the friendly resolution of differences as the two people trust each other more and more and as their love becomes deeper. Working together within the couple and supporting each other in order to remain in a profound relationship even when their differences make them disoriented, frustrated and confused is a wise choice.

Open up your soul in order to overcome conflicts
Here are a few suggestions that can make your conflicts strenghten your couple relationship, instead of weakening it.

1. Accept conflicts and don’t take it personally. Conflicts are not to fear. Conflicts are normal and even healthy and constructive. They are factors of evolution. The differences between you show that you have things to learn from each other and that is good – it means you have a dynamic couple, instead of one that is stuck in a rut.
Conflicts often show us where we can or need to transform and grow. The important thing is to remain open to transformation and to the perspective of the other. If he/she does not agree with you, that doesn’t mean he/she don’t love you. Give your loved one the freedom of opinion and choice, the freedom to be himself/herself.
Solving conflicts harmoniously means staying to the point. Neither of the two should start offending the other or expressing animosities that only deepen the problem, instead of solving it.

2. Listen respectfully. A great problem that many couples are confronted with is that, many times, when one of the two says what is on his/her mind, the other one interrupts and feels a need to bring arguments and generally talk instead of listening.
If you want to solve a couple problem, fiind the patience to listen to what the other one is saying. If necessary, take a pen and paper and, as the other one is talking, write down what you would like to tell him/her, but don’t interrupt him/her. After the other one has finished, you can answer at leisure with regard to every aspect you have written down. You will see that the other one will feel respected and listened to and will also feel that you care about his/her feelings. Even if they are not the nicest and harmonious ones or the ones you were expecting.
Listening respectfully means acknowledging the feelings of the other one, either verbally or by paying focussed attention. That means that we should never tell him/her ”you should’t feel” that way. Even if  you don’t think or feel the same way as your loved one, allow him/her to feel and to express himself/herself in his/her own way and remain calm, endeavouring to understand his/her viewpoint.

3. Stay in touch with the other one’s soul. Many times, separation occurs when differences appear. At the beginning, it could be a very subtle separation – you simply withdraw from that embrace of the soul that you had with the one you love. This tendency towards separation is sometimes hard to notice. But it is very important.
Endeavour to notice if that separation has occurred in your soul. If so, make quick efforts to stay in your relationship with your soul, to remain in love and with your loved one. If you allow separation to appear, you have stepped on the emotional slide of the couples that fail. It is more difficult, but not impossible, to stop before its end. This unnoticeable separation from your loved one can sometimes get worse, up to physical separation. Either you get up and slam the door behind you or you get up and leave forever. It is easiest to leave – it is more difficult to stay, to love and to continue to integrate the other one in your being, learning the lessons that he/she is mirroring for you.

4. Speak in a moderate tone. The tone of a discussion helps by up to 90% with solving and harmonizing conflicts. If you are patient and keep calm, you can tell the other one even the ”heavy stuff” without it being hurtful. But, if you raise your voice, if you yell, throw plates or bang your fist on the table, all you do is deepen the emotional torment and everything becomes worse.
I know that it is sometimes hard to control our emotions – sometimes they seem to overwhelm us. And yet, with training, it is possible. Self-control is important in every field of life, so it is worth working for.

5. Make things clear and specific. General statements containing words like ”always” and ”never” will never lead you to a positive result and they are not true. Women are usually the ones using such generalizations. This ”never” or ”always” surely has exceptions and it would be best if you looked for them before the other one found them before you.
Because, if you don’t know how to use the right words, the other one will not take you seriously and will say generically that it is not true. And he/she will be right. Therefore, relate to the present moment and situation and don’t generalize. The same way, when the one you love complains about something, ask him/her to go from the general comments expressing exasperation to specific examples that can show you precisely what he/she means. Always use concrete examples that are as recent as possible in order to succeed in convincing the other one to accept the transformations you want.

6. Fiind common points of agreement. In a conflict, apart from the tense subjects, there are almost always aspects that can become common points of agreement. Finding the aspects that you both agree on, even if that means only agreeing that you have a problem to solve, is an important beginning for finding a common solution.

7. Be tolerant. The easiest thing is to chase the other one’s mistakes. It’s better to endeavour to integrate the mistakes of your loved one in your inner universe and to give him/her extenuating circumstances. Even if it is hard, work together to find ways to alchemize them. Those who have happy couples fiind the patience, understanding and time to listen to each other, to understand and help the other one, even when the other one has made a mistake. We all know that making mistakes is human and we all do it. Being tolerant means allowing the other one not to be perfect.

8. Express your interest, don’t become defensive. Usually, in an argument, there is a tendency for one of the two to accuse and the other one to defend himself/herself. Or they both take turns to play these parts. But, if you start to defend yourselves by vehemently proving that you are innocent or right or if you change your tune and attack, that will only lead to an escalating conflict.
Instead of bringing arguments from the past, it is better to ask for more information, details and examples. The other one’s discontent is usually based on a real reason and should be taken into account. Even if your viewpoint is different, it is good to know that every human being interprets an event, gesture or word in a specific way and reacts in a different and unique manner from a psycho-emotional point of view. When you express your interest in listening to the other one’s complaint, you make room for understanding and harmony.

9. Look for alternatives. A conflict ends when cooperation begins. Politely asking for suggestions or alternatives is an invitation to collaboration. Moreover, after receiving a suggestion or an alternative, it would be good to also use put it into practice. The careful consideration of the alternatives that are offered to you proves the respect you have for the other one. Therefore, in the end, draw conclusions TOGETHER and apply them immediately. Put love above everything else and fight for it, even if that means overcoming your own limitations and your own egos.

10. Make up. If possible, don’t remain angry with the one you love. Even if you have had a fight, make up as soon as possible and solve what needs to be solved together. Remember that you are not on opposing sides, but on the same boat, on a journey that depends on you two in order to be sublime and unforgettable.
I know a happy couple with a rule they never break. They never go to sleep angry with each other. From the beginning, they decided that their relationship was more important than winning a fight or than one of them being right. Sometimes, that meant they had to stay up very late at night in order to reach an acceptable solution. Other times, it meant that one or the other decided that the problem they were discussing was not important enough to stay awake for.
Since they both appreciate their couple relationship very much, in most situations, neither of them yields or gives up their discussions easily. When one of them does yield or give up, the other one expresses appreciation and makes his/her own peace offering. They know that there is always something to harmonize in a couple relationship and that is why, even if discussions and arguments appear, the attitude and approach matter the most. Because, above all, the most important thing is love.
 

 

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