Learn to be yourself

by Gabriela Marin

The office door opens and the manager puts a stack of files on the desk. All are for Today! As always, you don’t have the power to say ”No”....... You feel guilty, but do not see any solutions.
Your best friend always wants to help her shopping. It’s enough!  You have better things to do, right? This time I’ll no longer answer the phone and if she asks what happened, I’ll just tell that I forgot to call back.
Full of luggage enter the house and see your lover sitting with his feet on the table in the living room. Ahh, how much annoy this thing. Explodes. Yelling to him that he does not care and that if he would love you he will never do things like this. Enter the bedroom slamming the door.

Is this familiar to you? You find yourself in these situations?
If YES, than, here is the solution.
The specialists ensure that the solution is to become assertive. To communicate with others and to support your point of view, without becoming aggressive and without hurting anyone.
Learn to openly express what you want, with integrity and honesty. This is possible only if you have respect and consideration for yourself and also for others.
Have you ever wondered what subconscious thoughts underlie our inability to say no? We often accept proposals that had nothing to do with our real needs only to please each other or due to fear that our super nice image will be damaged or fear that He might leave us.
It is amazing, but when we fail to refuse a proposal that we don’t like, we only obey our wishes and needs to the others and disregard our rights. We act as "to save the relationship", but such an approach will create tensions and hidden discontents that on long term will affect us.

The aggresive atitude is not a solution
Do you think that you can have a real comunications being hostile, screaming or reproaching different things? You will create only conflicts and animosities, and oblige others to become defensive or enter your game for power. The aggressive people disregard the feelings and rights of others and try to get what they want through intimidation and force.
An assertive behavior is the middle way between the two extremes: obedience and aggression. This implies to express our feelings openly and say what we think and feel with a sincere attitude, honest, without trying to compel or emotionally manipulate others by posing the role of victim.
There are cases when a person does not shows openly the agresivity, in other words entertains a smoldering aggressivity. This behavior is a passive-aggressive type. When the husband has deep resentments against his controlling and nagging wife, he will constantly "forget" to fulfill even the simplest wife’s desires.

Do not blame yourself
If it is difficult to refuse, give yourself some time to clarify your answers. For example: "Ok, I will think and give you an answer in an hour" ... or when ever is appropriate, at the end of the day. Do not give too much explanation.
The exaggerated apologies shows you as an insecure and vulnerable person. Avoid to blame yourself pointless. If the relationship is important for you, than you can specify the limits and the reasons for your decision to refuse: “I agree to go shopping, but only on Saturdays from 11am when my boyfriend goes to the gym."
Use an assertive body language and keep the eye contact with your interlocutor, speak to him with calm and balance, avoiding as much as possible the emotional manner. Tell honestly how you feel and what you want to be changed in your life: "I'm upset right now and I would like you to listen to me" .
It can be difficult to be assertive if you do not realize how you feel, what you want or do not want. If you do not realize how you feel and what you want, talk to a friend or try to clarify your thoughts and feelings writing them on a sheet of paper. The others can’t read your mind to know what you want, so it's good to express your wishes loudly.
All specialists in domain believe that if we honestly assess our rights, we would accept much easier the others point of views and we would be open to negotiations in order to achieve a fair result.

Maybe you did not know, but the Decalogue of assertiveness goes for you also: you have the right to be happy, to realize your feelings, to grow and evolve. To change your mind, to say "I don’t know" and to refuse inappropriate requests. You have the right to be yourself and have the right to establish your own priorities!
Simple isn’t it? It remains only to put into practice all these tips and do not forget that other persons has the same rights as we have.

 

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