The Nonconformist, Filed

by Elena Godeanu

The Tyrrany of "because I must"
I propose you a test. Take a piece of paper and a pencil.  Part the sheet into two columns.  Write to the left one all that pleases you, and to the right one, all that unpleases you at the present moment, about your own person and life.
To the right column put the person you consider is to be blamed for each problem or what you consider caused them.
When  you finished, read along.

Psychiatrist got to a worrying conclusion: 75%  of us have an external personal orientation, not an internal one.
If we hold an external being or aspect of life for responsible for our present emotional state , our centre of control is external.
But if we charge our own person for what we feel, our centre of control is internal.
Now analyze your answers and see in which category you fit in.
Why is this important?
Because when you blame others for your states it means you have given up on your freedom to choose and had let yourself dominated by something or someone outside of you .
You might have begun some actions not because you really felt like , but because you obeyed a bunch of rules  like "I must" , prejudices,  social ticketing and in this way you diverged from yourself.

Break the limits of conventions.
If you are convinced that your being is predetermined, that your role is to follow a hard way, if you beleive in luck and bad luck -  more than sure you are part of the "externals".
Learn to move the center of your life from the outside to the inside. This way, you slowly become in charge for everything that happens to you as what emotional matters are considered . So there is no more robot moving through a labyrinth, weighted by others with rules and senseless policies.
We are not dealing with a revolt against social rules, but a daily behaviour to be yourself, not ruled and shaped by others.  If you obey all conventions all the time, you shall have a life of emotional servitude .

The main thing is that you decide on your own  which rules are divinely necessary.  Rebellion for the sake of rebellion does not serve your use. Be yourself and live your life according to your highest spiritual standards!

You are externally oriented if:
- You are used to blame others for your actions, intentions, emotions and feelings "I am late by his/her fault" , "Don't look at me. He is the only responsible for this situation"
- You make love each time in the same position or when all conditions are met (you are rested, light off, etc)
- You meet your friends for a tea on thursday afternoons because you don't want to break the tradition, though sometimes you'd like to be on your own.
- You buy presents because it's the correct thing.
- You applause with the public at a show you didn't like.
- You leave tip for unsatisfying services.
- You respect unwritten traditions on the role of the woman and of the man. For example: the woman cooks and the man takes the garbage.

Externally oriented women tend to critisize and judge others , or , on the contrary, to toady.
To blame a person is waste of time. No matter how wrong someone is and how many stones you throw, this will not change your emotions and feelings to the better. You only distract your own attention from your very person, seeking for external causes for unhappiness of frustrations you live. 
The achieved effect does not reverberate positively on you. You might make the other feel guilty but you will not be happier.
Admiration for others and their achievements in itself is not self-distructing; but it becomes so in the moment you shape your behaviour based on their standards.  In that situation , the personal fullfilment depends on someone outside of you.

Useful exercises
- Make a diary where you note the moments  in which you charge responsability for what you feel.  Take the courage to move inward. Consign the success.
- Pursue in conversations to avoid blaming anyone and even talking in a reproachful or blaming way of a person, event or idea.
- Note the rules to impose upon others and ask yourself if they do really need them. You might realize that their principles are more flexible and  effective.
- Don't expect others to transform. Why should they be else? Because you would like them as such? If you really wish to change someone, begin by changing yourself.
- Live in now and apply the rules and principles of now.
-  Get rid of the roles that you are already playing but they are not bringing you happiness. Be what you feel, not what you think is the correct thing to be.
- Realize that the unhappiness you choose is not the result of someone's actions but that of your deeds and your way of thinking.
- Any externally caused unhappyness will consolidate your slavery . Why? Because you set out as if it were given that you are not in power over yourself.
 - Remember that what annoys or irritates you is not what they are doing, but your own reaction on what they are doing.

 

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